For fear of this diary becomming a emo teenage girl's pitiful excuse for a love story (which I'm afraid it already has) I've been trying to tone down the "OMG" factor that is stereotypical of blogs like these, written by girls like myself. I'd like to think I'm much different from other girls my age, which on some levels I might, but I'm basically the same. I still get this sqealy(i swear that's how it's spelled, but it looks wrong) hyper consistancy in my voice every time I see James. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that I'm in love with Steve. But I love Steve. I hate that I get those feelings around James..but he's so amazing. Sometimes I wish I never met him. Other times I wish I never met Steve.

Yesterday I went to Walmart after church to get something to eat. I wanted James to be there, although I didn't expect him to all that much. However, there was still a chance, so I went in the right side doors, because his register is almost always on the right side. I walked in, trying to think of something I could buy if he did happen to be there. I walked as far as the book section and I saw him. I walked to the candy section for some gum and walked around to look for something else to buy, but I couldn't find anything else. I really needed a bra, but there was no way. So I settled with some gum and then I walked back to his aisle. He had moved so I walked down to the 20 items or less register where he was. It went like this:

I saw him again on Sunday, but I don't know if he saw me. I didn't buy anything and I didn't approach in because I was with my parents. The next day which was yesterday, I was asking for a reason to go back. I needed a new purse and mom needed some mustard and water, so I went. He was there, as he always seems to be, but instead of going to his aisle I went to someone elses. I didn't want to be too obvious, and I was afraid I had already done that by going to his aisle when my mom was grocery shopping.
So I was checked out by another boy who is rather unfriendly. I've never seen him smile and for some reason that makes me self-concious. After I paid for my things, I went the long way around to the oppisite door that my car was parked at so I could walk past James. I don't know if he saw me or not, but I think I may be a hard person to miss, or at least I'm relying on my hair to be bright enough to be noticed.

I don't think I'll be able to go back for a few days, which is probably a good thing. I need to stop going after James when I'm still so much in love (as much as a sixteen year old is capeable of) with Stephen. It would be so much easier if he lived here.

That's his name. I read it on his ID today in aisle ten. Yesterday he was in aisle seven, right next to the books. I seen him stocking candy in his aisle and walked past so he would see me too. After mom was done with groceries, I told her to go to the aisle he was in and I would be there in a minute, so maybe it wouldn't be so obvious that I wanted to see him again. I'm sure it was anyway.
I helped mom put the groceries on the conveyor belt and he asked how I was. I said I was good and asked him the same. I like his honesty. Instead of replying with 'good' as well, he said he was "..okay" and there were some family problems at home. And from what I heard him telling the woman in front of me yesterday, his sister has type II Diabetes.
If I would have told him how I really felt I would have said something about butterflies and having trouble breathing.

I hate when things like this happen, and yet, I love it all the same. I hate that I have feelings for someone else when I'm with Stephen. I love Stephen. I don't believe that it will last forever, but he is my boyfriend after all. But James...he's so interesting and open and self-confident. Not to mention easy to talk to. I feel like I could tell him the worst things I've ever done and he would understand it all. I want to see him again, but I can't get myself to do this behind Steve's back. And I sure don't want to tell him I have feelings for someone else. So maybe I'll stop talking to James for a while, or at least stop making it a point to talk to him.

As soon as my life seems to be going okay, something like this happens.

After John pretty much came out and said all that, it made me realize how much he was right. He really wasn't the one for me. So now I've gone back to not worrying about "the one". My friend Stephen (one of my best online friends) told me how he felt, and I told him I felt the same. I had been feeling that way for a while, and I guess in a way I wanted John to say what he did. I know Steve isn't my soul mate, but I do like him, so I don't really see anything wrong with it. I'm tired of waiting for someone that may not get here for years. Of course, I'll save myself for that person, but having a boyfriend is different.

When I first met John, I didn't really pay much attention to him. I just thought he was a nice guy - an aquaintance- and it would stay that way. But he would talk to me more and more, and I began to see the kind of person he was. He wasn't just a nice guy, he was amazing. Our friendship grew so fast that I slipped......and fell in love with him. I wanted so much for him to feel the same. Even though I'm only sixteen, I thought. Maybe, just maybe.

There are many ingredients to love. The desire to be with someone, selflessness, compassion, honesty.....but sometimes, even if those things are there, it's still not the love you want it to be. Instead of them wanting to be your soul mate, they want to be your best friend. I really believed that he did feel the same. How foolish of me to think that.

He said that there are a few reasons we can't be together. He wants to protect our friendship. Long distance relationships are hard....he doesn't feel he's the right guy for me. That one hit hard. I always thought we could at least try things, ya know? And if it didn't work we could always be friends. I guess I'm okay though. At least the part where he said he values our friendship. But then it's just friendship.

I like my little blog here. It reminds me of a little cottage that no one knows about. But it's there, and there are no restrictions on getting to the little cottage. People just haven't stumbled upon it yet. I've been writing in online journals so much that I've forgotten what it was like to write for myself and myself only. Not that I'm more candid when I write to myself, I'm just not aware of people reading it like I am online. Hopefully no one reads what I write offline, because the only one who would have access is my mother. And God knows she doesn't need to read anything I write.

I hate those times in your life when two roads intersect and you're left confused and bewildered because no one gave you any instructions on which way to go. Heck, you don't even know how you got there.  Maybe it would help if I asked the one who created the cross roads which way to go. That would be wise...but not always easy. Sometimes I don't like the answers I am given and I take my own route. Then I end up lost and cold in the wilderness. You wouldn't think I'd have to make the same mistake twice.

I'm going to bed.

Okay, so I just got back from camp yesterday and I talked to John last night. But he's grounded from the net so it wasn't that long. I thought of calling him, but then decided he would be asleep. But then I remembered that I'm leaving for another camp on monday, and I probably won't get to see him tomorrow. So I called his cell, hoping the ring wouldn't be very loud. But evidently it was loud enough for his parents to hear, because after he answered they started asking who was calling and that he shouldn't be on the phone at 11:30 at night. I feel so bad right now that I just had to get it all out.

I still feel bad, though.

There are so many boyfriends that had parents that hated me. I was trying to avoid that with John, but now I've probably screwed it up. They probably think I'm a bad influence on him.

Great.

So John has told me a couple times that his sister had something that she had to tell Nicholas and then he could tell me. This is very odd, as Joy does not associate with Nicholas on a regular basis. So I'm thinking, what the heck does she have to tell him? And why is it so private? I was completely in the dark.

So then John gets online and says that Joy finally told Nicholas.

He told me. At least he told me some things. I had kind of already figured it out, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't totally off. It's an interesting feeling, knowing the one you care about was with two other people before you. I thought I would be much more jealous and maybe even hurt...but now I believe what I kept telling myself before. I really don't love him because of who I percieve him as....I really do love him for who he is. I'm glad.

I'm also glad that I met him online, because we otherwise wouldn't have gotten to know eachother like we do. Even if we had known eachother in person, we wouldn't be able to talk like we do, seeing as how he's turning 21 tomorrow, and I'm sixteen. My mom has already reminded me again and again that 'if I ever' meet him in person I won't be able to be alone with him cause of the age difference. Augh.